I miss Europe so bad my skin hurts

beauty, The Shivers.

I live off love
I feed off love
I breathe off love
I think of love
I drink of love
I sink in love
and in the middle of the night I need my love
I need to grieve and need to need and be in love
my love is gonna come to me
tonight

I give my love and all my love to you, my love
I feast on love, a beast for love, release my love
you're scared and unprepared for love, don't care my love
cause you’re the only woman I've been dreaming of
I swear to god I'm loving you for that
I swear to god I'm making you my wife

and if you ever leave me
I never will be sore
I'll love you 'til you're lonely
then I'll love you some more just before.

in the present

Alas, the great Wikipedia has come to the rescue, yet again, to help define words and phrases that inevitably are used to describe grand things such as, the self. Upon internal investigation, nomad was the word I could use as a logical self-description in the present.

Nomad:

“Communities of people who move from one place to another, rather than settling permanently in one location. There are an estimated 30-40 million nomads in the world.

There are three kinds of nomads:

"hunter-gatherers" moving between hunting grounds,
"pastoral nomads" moving between pastures, and
"peripatetic nomads" moving between customers.

Nomadic hunter-gatherers have by far the longest-lived subsistence method in human history.”

delicacy

"I forgot how much I remembered his apartment.

I had taken such vivid photographs in my memory of each crevice, every corner and every barefooted step.

I remembered in such distinct details the hardwood floors, the maps and records on the wall. His record player. The way his bathroom looked in certain light and the way his window shown down over the rain-soaked street.

His tan, cashmere-like-sheets that stretched over his two pillows. I had captured his sink condiments and bowls filled with memorabilia.

Most of all, I remembered the smell. And his smile that touched both ears. And that laughter. Oh my god the laughter. His apartment, a restaurant, a room, it turned into a symphony hall when he laughed.

And his sweetness. Not just his manner or his actions towards me. But his general nature. He had this sweet, tenderness to him. I can’t describe it. A delicate softness, filled with so much sweetness I was scared to have too much.

And everything, everything is lovely. And the words I describe for him, are for no one else.

They remain his. And I like it that way.

He embodies this fragile charm that melts me.

It melts me and I seep through the cracks in the floor.

And I float.

Trying to soak inside him. But I can’t. and that’s okay.

Because I know I shouldn’t. but I crave something sweet, all the time now."

Advice to Writers

From one of my dearest friends, Alice, who does not know the magnitude her tiny gestures make in my heart.


Even if it keeps you up all night,
wash down the walls and scrub the floor
of your study before composing a syllable.

Clean the place as if the Pope were on his way.
Spotlessness is the niece of inspiration.

The more you clean, the more brilliant
your writing will be, so do not hesitate to take
to the open fields to scour the undersides
of rocks or swab in the dark forest
upper branches, nests full of eggs.

When you find your way back home
and stow the sponges and brushes under the sink,
you will behold in the light of dawn
the immaculate altar of your desk,
a clean surface in the middle of a clean world.

From a small vase, sparkling blue, lift
a yellow pencil, the sharpest of the bouquet,
and cover pages with tiny sentences
like long rows of devoted ants
that followed you in from the woods.

-Billy Collins

Alison Des Forges

amazing woman, amazing life.

a couple of birds

It occurred to me on a rather pensive evening that when looking for a mate, a partner, a companion, should we not look for a similar version of ourselves?

If we were to write down a list of everything we loved about ourselves, it would hopefully run pages, chapters and volumes. It would be physical things such as dark hair and personality traits such as humor. It would be detailed, like holding the door for people or helping a lady bug off of a boy’s back before he went inside the gym (the lady wouldn’t have stood a chance!) If we listed all the traits we were proud of and the things that we liked, it should somewhat mirror that of our future mate. After all, we cannot love another without loving ourselves first. We cannot fully appreciate another without being grateful for who we are. If your modesty is holding you back from wrapping your arms around yourself and squeezing hard, then write down traits you aspire to have. As much as we might think we have been looking down the right street, we have actually taken many wrong turns. This is fully exemplified in our track record of unsuccessful relationships.

Perfect example: If you like to wake up early why on earth would you date someone that loathes the 8 a.m. morning sun and wants to hibernate under the covers until way past lunch time? It just doesn’t make sense. You end up fighting him/her to change and wake up with you, but it leaves you both tired and miserable. If you like to sleep late, write it down. Look for someone else that likes to sleep late. (I feel sorry for this couple; the days are already short enough as it is) If you don’t like to watch TV, why in this universe would you spend your time with someone who has every single prime time show TiVo’d.

I enjoy various types of music. Although I prefer one genre to another, I only have two genres I can’t do. Country and metal. I do not and will not understand, so I don’t listen. If I dated someone that knew every word to Tim McGraw songs and worshiped the Insane Clown Posse, then I would be on prescription medication. I would write down that I would want someone that liked an assortment of artists. (hey, maybe we could trade ipods!)

After researching through a variety of mediums, I have concluded that the reason why married couples and awful partnerships are eye-sores are because these people are sharing their life with someone who is not a thing like them, therefore they spend their energy trying or hoping they will change. Since they both don’t enjoy the same things, they get no pleasure in coupling activities or daily conversational topics. Now, in no way am I saying that a Republican and a Democrat or a vegan and a carnivore can’t live under one roof and share a bed, but think of it this way: If you wanted to procreate and your partner didn’t? … “see ya!” I mean come on! People that get married and then discover that their husband or wife doesn’t ever want to have kids? HOW DO YOU NOT TALK ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO SPEND YOUR LIFE TOGETHER! DO YOU EVEN KNOW THEIR MIDDLE NAME?

If you are a traveler, a nomad for example, don’t you dare write down that you’re looking for someone that wants to settle down. It’s not your nature! There is no prescription for a travel bug. You’d be better off looking for a friend that likes to travel and who enjoys eating the same foods you do and magically falling in love then being stuck in suburbia where, I believe, aliens roam. Do you like folding your clothes after you wash them or are you more of a thrower on the coucher? This is a big deal here! If you are a slob, don’t be with a clean freak. You will want to spray Lysol in their food after too many months. And don’t even get me started on making the bed in the morning.

Look at your friends. List all of their qualities and traits. They will most likely be similar to yours. You will have the same likes. You may not have the same dislikes and that’s amazing because it opens up new ideas, new challenges, and new likes. But start to look around at your friends and look at the things you enjoy. They will probably be similar to the list of things you love about yourself, therefore should be on the list of things for your mate. (It’s one big list!)

If we had a replica of ourselves in front of us, it would be quite the opposite of what I’m implying here, because unfortunately, we are not as wonderful as we might think and it would surely stir unwelcomed thoughts and boredom on a scale that could be terrifying. If you and your partner had every single interest, every food craving, every activity in common, then I’d rather just spend my days by myself. The whole point is to be challenged and educated, thrilled at the thought of her or him walking through the door with a good story, a funny joke or some fresh bread and a bottle of Chianti (take note). But if I’m sitting next to someone for the rest of my life that doesn’t have a love for punctuation and hates iron & wine, then really, it’s just not going to go anywhere. I mean have you read Eats, Shoots & Leaves? Come on!

We must laugh at the same things or else I’m going to give you weird looks at things that, really, just aren’t that funny. And I’d really like it if we could name 10 things in 10 seconds of things we like to do and 6 of them be similar. That’d be really nice. If you wear your shoes in the house and only take them off before you go to sleep, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you. For the next 80 years I will be trying to pry your shoes off to feel the hardwood floor on your feet while we are cooking dinner and I just don’t have the energy for that. You don’t like to cook? Stop reading this.

Anyways, enjoy being by yourself for now because darling, you are marvelous. Gorgeous. Extraordinary. Start looking in the mirror more often.

a little shade

Likes: Broccoli. Only because it looks like a little tree. I like to stand them all up at once on my plate and make a forest.